


Alkali Dust

by StarsGarters



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: All location names have been changed to protect my childhood home, Alternate Universe - 1980s, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Cattle Ranch AU, Child Abandonment, Cowboys & Cowgirls, Cults, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Night Terrors, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Pining, Premature Ejaculation, Sharing a Bed, as slow as I go, automotive flirting, bad cow jokes, past self harm, very probably slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-12 12:21:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15995129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarsGarters/pseuds/StarsGarters
Summary: Two lost young men, hiding from deep personal trauma and betrayal, discover each other as they live and work on Skywalker Ranch.





	1. Chapter 1

_It was February and still as cold as a witch’s tit_. Ben huffed out a cloud of breath and slapped his arms in a vain attempt to warm himself. He pulled himself up on the back of Ol’ Red, the battered flatbed feed truck. He got out his jack knife to slice open the twine on an alfalfa hay bale. He shoved the twine in his back pocket so the stupider steers wouldn’t try to eat it.

Hungry cattle fought for position behind the truck as it lurched forward and Ben pushed the hay off. The snow was grey, dirty and old. Frozen hard with bits of manure and dirt. Another bale of hay dropped. Another. A trail of hay across the pasture, pointing at the massive snow capped escarpment that loomed above the valley.

Ben staggered back against the cab as his driver let the clutch up for a moment. “Oh goddamnit Rey! I’ve only got like ten more to go, keep the clutch down or you’re going to kill me!”

“Sorry!” His eight year old sister hollered back at him through the open back window. It wasn’t the best idea Ben had ever had, Rey barely weighed enough to hold the pedal down if she sat on it. Her arms were probably shaking from the effort.

“Fuck it. Okay girls, enjoy your breakfast.” He sliced the rest of the bales loose and kicked them over the edge of the truck bed. He vaulted off, his winter boots cracking the icy crust of snow and opened up the driver’s door. “Scoot.”

Rey sighed in relief and grabbed the thermos of hot cocoa. “Want some?” Her freckled nose was red and snotty, she wiped it on the back of her hand. Ben shook his head and pulled the twine from his back pocket, tossed it under Rey’s feet. She drank straight from the thermos bottle, a ring of chocolate on her upper lip like a mustache. “I hope they bring home more cocoa. We’re running out.”

“We could start you on coffee then.” Ben shut the truck door and Ol’ Red lurched back towards Skywalker Ranch. Rey made a gagging noise. “Suit yourself.”

“Do you think we’ll like the new guy? Mom says he’s your age. You know, _old._ ” Ben reached over and flicked her ear with his gloved fingers. He was only twenty-one. “It’s just kinda weird that they’d just drive off to get him after one phone call…”

Ben shrugged. His nose was starting to defrost and drip. He just wanted to get in front of the heat of the wood stove. “I don’t know anything about it, didn’t ask.”

Rey snorted. “He’s going to _live_ with us.”

“So? Lots of people live with us.” The population of Skywalker Ranch tripled when the buckaroos and the hay crew showed up. Seasonal labor, temporary help. People who were free to come and go as they pleased. People who didn’t have to stay because there was nowhere else they could go…

“Yeah but only during the summer. I just think its weird.” Rey went back to polishing off the hot cocoa with single-minded determination.

Ben stared off towards the highway that ran down the center of the valley. _It was weird_ , Ben conceded silently. The roads were icy and his parents had left before sunrise to meet the train. It took at least three hours each way to the train station in the next county over. He’d heard the phone ring at midnight and his mother swearing a blue streak under her breath as she slammed the phone down. He absently rubbed at the wide leather cuff on his left wrist, remembering the last time he’d heard his mother swear like that.

Ben was splitting firewood when his parents returned late that afternoon. He set the axe down and watched from the far side of theyard. He couldn’t hear what was said as Rey bounced up to the purple truck. A young man emerged from the cab. He was tall, as tall as Ben was. He was wearing Leia’s knit hat, pulled down with the flaps covering the sides of his face. Rey stopped bouncing for a moment and stared at the young man’s face. He ducked his head to avoid her eyes and his shoulders slumped. Leia put her hand on his back and nudged him towards the front porch, scowling at Rey behind his back.

A sharp whistle that summoned both Ben and the cattle dogs. Ben hated it when Han whistled. He hated that he responded as instinctively as either BB or R2 would. “Lend a hand!”

“Oh never mind me, just making sure we don’t freeze to death.” Ben grumbled as he unloaded bags from the truck.

“Oh you think this is cold? We had to chisel calves frozen to the ground back in ’64—“ Han stopped his story and put his hand on Ben’s shoulder. “Hey Ben?”

“Yeah?” Ben balanced a shopping bag in each arm. His mother wasn’t going to miss a chance to restock on cheaper big city groceries and the random things a ranch needed to function.

“This kid— just be nice to him, okay? He’s gone through some shit.” Han squeezed his shoulder as Ben nodded and after a moment, smiled. “Getting strong! Be able to pull the ears off a bull soon.”

Ben blinked. Han’s cheerful expression had only slipped for a second, but it was there. Han was worried. _It was definitely getting weirder._

It took several trips to unload the truck. Ben put the bags in the kitchen as Rey helped unload them. The stranger sat on the bench seat of the dining table, clutching a backpack to his chest. His jacket was too light for the snowy weather and Leia’s rainbow knit hat concealed his face. Leia poured a mug of coffee and took the stranger’s hands in her own, placing the hot mug of coffee carefully in his grasp.

“Ben. This is Armitage Hux. Hux, this is my son Ben Solo. You played together when you were very little. It’s been a long time, but I think you’ll get along just as well as you did then.” The young man looked up and Ben swallowed back a gasp of shock. Someone had beat the _shit_ out of Armitage Hux. His battered face was swollen, bruised with a ghastly rainbow of colors. His lips were split in several places, the skin split over high cheekbones. He looked worse than the rodeo clown who’d gotten his face smacked up against the squeeze chute at Ben’s last rodeo. His stomach lurched in sympathy.

Ben took off his hat and offered his cold hand. “Hi.” Hux looked down at Ben’s hand and then at the coffee in his hands as if confused as what to do. Ben ran his offered hand back through his hair and gestured at the coffee. “Better drink that before my Mom does.” Hux nodded, as if he couldn’t speak. From the eggplant tinted throttling bruises upon his throat, it was possible that he couldn’t talk at all. “I’ll show you around the place when you’re ready.” 

“Ben, come help me in the basement pantry. I’ll make some biscuits for dinner to go with the stew.” Leia smiled kindly, steel in her eyes.

When they were out of earshot, Leia pulled the cord on the bare bulb swinging from the ceiling and made her way to her not so secret stash of whiskey. She unscrewed the cap and took a swig right from the bottle. “I would kill that man with my bare hands and no one would find the body.” She knocked back another swig and then handed the bottle to Ben. Ben helped himself to a swallow and handed back the bottle. Leia took another drink and then capped the bottle, tucked it away behind some lentils.

“Who are we going to murder?” Because Ben approved of that plan. “I don’t remember him.”

“You were infants. I’m not surprised.” Leia leaned against the shelving. “His mother was one of my sorority sisters. And his father is the piece of shit that did—” She gestured at her face to encompass all the damage, “All of that to him. Hux called from the train station and asked if we take him in for a while.” Leia spat the words out with venom. “His only son. Tossed him out like last night’s garbage.”

“Why would he—?” Ben asked, but Leia cut him off.

“It doesn’t matter. His mother was like family to me and I can’t let her son suffer. He’s going to stay here as long as he needs to. Hell, I might never let him leave.” Leia reached for the bottle again and Ben put his hand on hers. There were tears shining in her eyes when she looked up at him. “I’m sorry. I guess when I look at him, I see you— after we found you— I’m so sorry Ben. I’m still so sorry.” She glanced at his leather covered wrist and covered it with her small hand. “Let’s do our best to make this better. It probably won’t ever be okay. But we can try to make it better.” Leia squeezed Ben with a furious hug and then let him go as she swallowed back her tears. “Come on. Let’s make the best damn biscuits that boy has ever tasted.”


	2. Chapter 2

 

Warm, flaky and dripping with butter. _The taste of home_. Ben dunked his biscuit into the savory beef stew. When it was just the four of them, Leia would make crockpot meals. When the population of the ranch swelled in the summer, so did the amount of food on the breakfast, lunch and dinner table, but there were always biscuits on the table.

Han rambled on about icy road conditions and terrible drivers. Rey took over talking about her book report which Ben knew she was planning to finish on the morning school bus ride. Hux took slow, careful bites as if he wasn’t sure if his teeth still worked, he swallowed with a wince.

Ben got up, went to the medicine cabinet and slid back into his bench seat next to Hux. He put two ibuprofen pills next to Hux’s bowl and went back to his stew. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hux swallow back the pills. Ben refilled his own milk glass and Hux’s. Rey continued to talk about dinosaurs with cheerful obliviousness.

“Ben, did you take care of Daisy?” Han asked after sorting the mail pile and Ben groaned. He’d been very distracted to forget Daisy, she’d been his responsibility since — since they found him and brought him home.

“I’ll go do that now.” Ben took his bowl to the sink. “She’s going to be so pissed off at me. Can I take your empty bowl?” Hux nodded. His hair was so bright. “You should come meet the barn queen. But you need some warmer stuff,” Ben gestured towards the basement stairs and Hux followed.

They walked past the dry pantry and chest freezers, jars of preserved food stacked against the walls. “We trade for a lot of this with the neighbors. Sometimes there’s more zucchini pickles than I ever want to see again. Stuff doesn’t really grow very well here, just alfalfa and sagebrush. The soil is all wrong. Mom keeps trying to grow roses but they need acid and we’re alkaline, but she keeps trying. Coaxing them to grow.” Ben was babbling, as they made their way into the basement. “Maybe something beautiful can bloom in the alkali desert. But I doubt it.”

“So this is my really, really big room,” Ben gestured at the open layout next to a wood stove, “I share it with the rest of the crew when hay season starts. I’ve got that far corner next to the closet. That’s why there’s so many beds. So just pick one. It’s not much but it’s a lot better than the old bunkhouse.” Ben pulled out last year’s winter coat, a rainbow striped scarf that he’d gotten in the grange gift exchange and a pair of gloves. Hux took them in silence and Ben wondered what his voice would sound like. “There’s a bathroom at the top of the stairs before the kitchen. That way we can ‘wash off our filth’ before tracking it through Mom’s clean house.”

They left out the side door into the carport and stood on the edge of the yard of snow covered grass. “We have a grass front yard so we can see rattlesnakes, but you don’t have to worry about them now.” Ben pointed at the landmarks. “Bunkhouse, built in like 1890. You don’t want to go in there, the floorboards are rotten. Little Red School House. Some historical society is going to come out and put it on a truck for their museum. Three generations of the valley’s kids went to school there. Big metal building is the machine shop. Lots of fun stuff in there if you like farm equipment and old cars. The corral. The big barn. The little barn.” Ben pointed. “Follow me, try not to slip.”

Their feet crunched on the icy packed snow. It was so weird to hear another set of footsteps, sneakers behind him. Ben slid open the large door of the big barn. It smelled of warm manure, hay and earth. They petted the two cattle dogs, BB and R2, curled up with each other in their warm nest of hay. “Sorry Daisy.” A fawn colored Guernsey dairy cow stomped her back leg in swollen irritation.

Ben filled the grain trough and Daisy buried her nose in the feed with a snuffle. “We keep one dairy cow so she can nurse the bummer calves, the orphans. But if you don’t milk her, she’ll dry up.” He pulled up the stool and Daisy whipped him across the face with her tail. “Ouch! I said that I was sorry!” A noise that could have been a laugh escaped Hux’s throat.

Ben took off his gloves and slid the milk pail under Daisy’s udders. “There’s an art to this. But the true secret is not having cold hands. Most girls don’t like you touching their tits with cold hands, but they won’t try to kick you across the barn.” Ben breathed on his fingers.

“I wouldn’t know much about what girls like.” Hux harshly croaked, “I’ve been at military school for the last ten years.”

Ben didn’t know what to say to that, so he began stripping Daisy’s teats. The milk splashed in the pail, a tinny sound. “We don’t drink the raw milk.” Ben pointed up at the hay loft. Five bright sets of cat eyes peered down at them. “They do. Usually they’re swarming me and demanding a squirt in the mouth fresh from the cow. You little snobs.”

“They’re afraid of me.” Hux said sadly, “Not surprising with how I look.”

Ben shook his head. “They don’t know you. As long as you’re not like Rey and try to pick them up and cuddle the crap out of them every moment, they’ll warm up to you. There. All done.” He slid the pail to Hux. “Go pour it in their dish. Talk pretty to them.”

Hux picked up the pail and as he poured the steamy warm milk, he cooed as best he could with his raspy voice. “Come and get your dinner, pretty ones.” He stepped back and looked at Ben expectantly. “They’re still not coming down.”

“Oh they will. Greedy things. We need to break the ice in the water trough and make sure the pipes haven’t frozen. And shovel the cow shit.” Ben held up a small sledgehammer. “Feel like breaking something?” It was a brief, painful smile but Ben saw it as Hux reached for the hammer.

“You know, I really do.”

 

Ben wasn’t a morning person, but after years of waking up before the sun rose, he could navigate his surroundings pretty much on autopilot.

He wandered up the stairs in his boxers, scratching at his bare abdomen and started the coffee pot. No one spoke to anyone else without their coffee. Mom would wake up Rey, get her ready for school in the back of the house. The bathroom at the top of the basement stairs was pretty much his until the hay crew arrived. The only thing on his mind was a hot shower.

He opened the door. Instant alertness zinged through him. Hux. He’d forgotten about Hux. Hux was standing at the sink, a towel draped over his narrow hips and a toothbrush between his lips. Skin pale as moonlight, mottled with bruises. A boot print on his ribs. A cigarette burn below his clavicle. Hux spat out the toothpaste, it was streaked with blood. “Did you get a good look?” He spat again with a rasp. Did he have an accent?

Ben shook his head. “It’s not like that— I just forgot— It’s fucking early. Why are you up so early?”

Hux shrugged, his wet hair flopped over his brow. “I couldn’t sleep. Too quiet.”

“I put the coffee on.” Ben offered, trying not to stare at all the bruises. Hux’s pale eyes were luminous, surrounded by blackened shadows. “You look like you got hit by a truck, man.”

“No truck. Just my father.” Hux’s eyes narrowed. “And I don’t want your pity.”

It was too early to be having this discussion in his underwear. “Fair enough. We’ve all been through some shit, I guess.” Ben fidgeted with the wide leather cuff that covered most of his left forearm. “The television in the kitchen picks up two channels if you mess with the rabbit ears. I’ve got to drive Rey to the school bus stop. Oh, do you need some clothes?” _You don’t need clothes,_ a little voice leered in the back of Ben’s mind. A little shameful voice.

Hux was staring at his arms, as they flexed nervously. He blinked as if startled out of a private reverie, a flush rose upon his cheeks. “I’ll be fine. Thank you. You don’t have to fuss over me.”

Ben smiled, his sunniest smile, stepped close and clapped Hux upon the shoulder. “I’m not making a fuss. You’re our guest. Too bad for you, that we put all our guests to work. Do you know how to drive a stick?”


	3. Chapter 3

 

Most eight year olds had few social graces and Rey was no exception. “Scoot over! I don't want to miss the bus!” Rey ordered Hux, just like she would her brother. He moved into the center seat of the truck, his long legs straddling the gearshift box. Rey scrambled around in her backpack, pushing Hux up against Ben. The press of his thigh scorched through Ben’s jeans and he had to swallow back a gasp. _What was wrong with him? Why was he reacting like this?_ Ben had been crammed into tight spaces with the other farm hands before and never had a pants tightening reaction. He needed looser jeans.

“Comfy?” Hux croaked. Ben realized he was talking to Rey, who was doing her best to poke him with her elbow.

She sighed. “I’m fine. I thought I’d lost my lucky pencil. I couldn’t do my homework on the bus without it.”

“You’re supposed to do homework at home.” Ben started the truck and they drove down the dirt road towards the highway.

“It’s an hour ride to school, Ben. Mom says you never did any of your homework at home.” Rey sniffed. “And I have to help Finn. Teacher doesn’t like him. She won’t explain the lessons.”

“I didn’t do any of my homework on the bus. Or at home.” Ben said. “Don’t be like me.”

“Did you do your homework at home?” Rey asked Hux.

“No. I lived at boarding school.” Rey made a face of sheer disgust and Hux nodded in agreement. He leaned forward and looked out the windshield at the massive snow-covered flat topped escarpment that jutted into the sky from the valley floor. “What is that mountain?”

Rey grinned and blurted out, “Sage Rim! It’s the edge of a volcanic plate, it just wrinkled up as the tectonic plates shifted. Biggest in North America.”

“It’s incredible.” Hux sat back and the motion rubbed his arm against Ben’s. Then Ben drove over the cattle guard too quickly and rattled everyone’s teeth. “I assume there’s a reason for that metal grate in the road?”

“Keeps the cows in. They won’t walk over it.” Rey leaned in close, “It took forever for me to get really brave on my bike and just ride over it, I kept thinking that I was going to get stuck in the grate and fall over and land in the rattlesnake pit and die. But I didn’t. And now I don’t even notice.” She grinned up at Hux. “Do you know how to ride a bike?” Hux nodded. “Good! You can ride with me because I’m not supposed to ride alone down to Uncle Lando’s. Do you know how to ride a horse?—”The interrogation stopped as Ben pulled up to the side of the safety yellow school bus and Rey launched herself out of the passenger side door in a flurry of braids.

“Your sister has a lot of energy.” Hux remarked as they watched her drag a reluctant young boy onto the bus with her. “She takes care of him, doesn’t she?”

“Finn? Yeah. He’s living with Uncle Lando down here at the store.” Ben jerked his thumb at the gas station/bar/mini market as they pulled away. “I’d take you inside and introduce you to the rest of the old men who have coffee there, but I figured you might want a few weeks to—“ Hux looked at himself in the rearview mirror and nodded. He made no effort to move over to the open seat.

“I'm Frankenstein’s monster.” Hux sighed as he traced the split ridge of his cheekbone with a gloved finger tip. “That’s going to scar.”

“Scars aren’t anything to be ashamed of.” Ben touched the leather cuff on his left wrist unconsciously, Hux’s eyes followed the gesture. “They just mean you survived.” He reached over to shift and Hux scooted out of the way of the gearshift.

“Why do you wear that?” Hux asked as they pulled up to the ranch house. “The cuff.” His big pale eyes seemed too large in his face and Ben swallowed back his impulse to look away.

“This old thing? I made it. I repair things like saddles and tack, stuff like that. I could make you one. Or even better, I could teach you how to make your own.”

“I think I’d like that.” Hux smiled, his cracked and split lips pulled tight with effort.

Ben smiled in return, unexpected heat rising up the back of his neck. “After we get done feeding the cows and the rest of the chores, there’s not much to do out here. Arts and crafts. Mom plays the piano.” Ben tried to rub the blush out of the back of his neck. “When you feel like going into town, we can go to the library. Maybe catch a movie? Watch a high school basketball game? I’m sure it’s going to feel really small and boring here to a big city kid like you who’s done all sorts of exciting things. Maybe find you a summer girlfriend—” 

“You know nothing about me.” Hux snapped, curling his hands into fists on his thighs. “Nothing.”

“Okay? Sorry? I guess I don’t.” Ben shut off the ignition and as he moved to get out of the truck, Hux touched his arm. The touch turned into a squeeze, then Hux’s fingers hooked into claws.

“Wait.” Hux panted quick shallow breaths, his eyes squeezed shut. Ben recognized anxiety and fear coursing through his new friend, he knew the emotions intimately. _A panic attack._ “Wait— wait for me.”

“We have all the time in the world, Hux.” Ben covered Hux’s hand with his own. It didn’t really matter what he said, he just needed to be there. He spoke in the low calming tones he’d use with a spooked horse, rubbing a small circle on the back of Hux’s gloved hand with his thumb. He’d always been good with animals, even as a small child. Animals were more honest with their emotions than people. They hid when they were in pain. Lashed out in fear. Rewarded kindness with trust. It was easier to be around animals.

“If you walk off to the west, keeping the Rim at your back,” Ben tilted his head to indicate direction, “You won’t find another human being for weeks. To the north, there’s the largest lake in the state. There’s no outlet so it just sits there, evaporating in the sun, poisonous to every living thing but tiny brine shrimp. It’s only as deep as my hip, so in December we go iceskating. You can skate for miles, ice surrounding you in the darkness. Bonfires on the beach guiding you home.”

Hux hiccuped and Ben continued, “Sometimes I talk to the coyotes, they always have something to say. I can’t say I remember most of our conversations, but we both really hate badgers. Did you know you can break a tractor axel in a badger hole? My dad cursed for weeks after that happened. We’ll have to go hunt some badgers. I don’t like to do it, but we can’t afford a new tractor.”

Hux’s fingers gradually relaxed from their iron grip, his breathing slowed. A tear leaked from the corner of his eye and Ben pretended not to notice. He ached to wipe it from Hux’s battered face. Hux had a fragile, brittle dignity that Ben would not rob him of. “Time moves slower here. It’s a good place to get your bearings. To find your center. Maybe do something a little crazy. I like to ride in the rodeo and I have a destruction derby car.”

“A derby?” Hux sniffled and dried his face on the back of his glove. “What is that?”

Ben grinned at him. “Oh I’ll show you.” _I want to show you everything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed a minor thing in the first chapter to make the plot flow better.
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments and love. It makes me want to write faster!


	4. Chapter 4

They drove the Ol’ Red back to the ranch after feeding the cattle and parked beside the machine shop. “Thanks.” Ben said to Hux as he scraped manure off the bottom of his boot on a corner of the cement foundation.

“What for?” Hux peered around Ben into the window of the dark corrugated metal building.

“You’re a lot better at driving the feed truck than Rey is. She’s been helping me because Dad’s old busted up leg is acting up in the cold and it’s nice to have another set of hands.” _Hands with long, beautiful fingers…_

Hux rubbed the bridge of his nose. “These hands don’t really know what they’re doing, but I can hold a clutch down with minimal instruction. I’m glad to be of help.”

Ben flipped the light switch and florescent lights blazed forth with an electric buzz. Two cars occupied the bays.

“That’s the Falcon.” Ben ran his hand over the hood of the shiny silver car. Blue pinstripes swirled and curled around the chassis’ curves. “She’s my dad’s drag racer. He thinks he’s a great racer, but really the car does all the work. He lets me drive her from time to time, mostly time trials at the old airport runway. The old guys at the drag race club don’t like to compete against me.”

“Why is that?” Hux stared appreciatively at the sleek machine.

“Youthful reflexes.” Ben shrugged. “I beat them off the line every time.”

Hux’s lips quirked as if repressing a smirk. “One day you’ll have to explain exactly what that means.” Hux’s voice was improving each time he used it, the raspy hoarseness subsiding.

Ben picked up the corner of a sheet and pulled it back. “This is my baby.” The old sedan was spray painted black. The word ‘Executor’ was applied in drippy red paint on the hood. “Doesn’t she look amazing?”

Hux’s expression was priceless. It wavered from stunned to amused to vaguely concerned then settled on cautiously interested. “She— certainly has _character._ ”

Ben baby-talked the car, “Don’t you listen to him baby, he doesn’t know how special you are.”

“Why is the battery and the gas tank in the back seat? And there’s no glass. And the doors are welded shut. You have to get in through the window?” Hux stalked around the car, tallying up its eccentricities. “All the interior fixtures are gone and there’s a roll bar installed.” He raised his eyebrows and grinned with split lips as the truth dawned upon him. “This is a _battering_ _ram_.”

“Yes. Yes she is. I want to win this year. I got runner up last year because I lost my temper and rammed with the front, instead of backing up. Severed the fuel line and started a fire.” Ben leaned up against the car. “You have no idea how exciting it is to have the whole town chanting _Fire Fire Fire_ from the grandstands and cheering! It’s like the best thing ever.”

“It seems _dangerous_.” Hux said, still inspecting the car. His voice was muffled as he slid underneath the sedan on the mechanic’s dolly.

“It’s still got _seatbelts._ ” Ben said as if that were perfectly reasonable. “It’s safer than bull riding.”

“Relatively _most_ things are.” Hux’s head slid out from under the car. “You’re completely insane!”

“Oh yeah? What were you going to do with your life?” Ben snorted back.

“I was going to go to _war_.” Hux stared up at him with steely blue eyes and then disappeared back under the car. “I seem to have completely fucked that up so maybe I should strap myself to panicking farm animals instead. Jesus Christ in Heaven, what have you done to this poor transmission? You’ll be lucky to get out of first gear, let alone win.”

“So you like cars? Do you like to race them?”

“I like to bring them back to life, so drivers like you can break them again. Yes, Ben. I like cars. Hand me a 3/8s spanner. You’ve got a leak here.”

“Oh my god, you’re perfect.” Ben breathed out and then stammered loudly to cover, “You’re perfectly irritating! There’s nothing wrong with my car.”

“I’ve been underneath her for five minutes and I’ve already made a comprehensive list of your automative sins. Now, spanner. _Please._ ” There was no reason for someone that patronizing to be so attractive. Ben spent the next half hour handing Hux tools so he wouldn’t see the blush on Ben’s cheeks. 

 

_Don’t hurt me. Please stop. Stop! Please— please— I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. Don’t hurt me. Please stop. Stop! Please— please— I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. Don’t hurt me. Please stop. Stop! Please— please— I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry._

Ben sat up in bed, covered in sweat and gasping for air. _I’m not there. I’m not there anymore. Mom and Dad found me. They saved me. They brought me home._ Ben clutched at the leather cuff on his arm in the darkness. Hux was whimpering in his sleep again, he thrashed in his blankets warding off imagined blows. _Was this what it was like with me?_

His empathy was tempered with annoyance. This was the fifth time this week, the nightmares were getting worse. Ben threw back his covers and went to Hux’s bedside. He sat on the edge of the bed and tried to rouse Hux with a shake. Sometimes he had to shake Hux harder than he wanted to. “Hux. Wake up. Wake up. It’s just a nightmare—“ Hux’s fingernails raked down Ben’s chest as he flailed awake. Ben winced but kept crooning, “It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re safe. You’re safe.”

Hux sat up, trembling from horror and Ben found himself clasped in a desperate embrace. Ben dared to pet’s Hux’s soft, sweaty hair as Hux clung to him. It was longer now and it curled about his ears, tinted pale green from the light of the radio alarm clock beside the bed. “I was dreaming again. Wasn’t I?” Hux murmured against Ben’s skin. Ben nodded and kept stroking Hux’s hair in the dark. “I’m not one of your broken animals. I’m not.” Hux whispered in protest but made no move to release Ben.

“You’re not broken. Just a little dented.” Ben tried to will away his treacherous body’s response to holding Hux so close. “You need to get some sleep. I need to get some sleep. You can’t live on coffee. And I can’t sleep through your screaming.” _It brings back too many horrible memories._

“I don’t think I can sleep. I’ve been sleeping in barracks even since— ever since I can remember. It’s too quiet here. I just hear my thoughts and my heartbeat and—“ Hux whimpered in shame. “I’m so sorry Ben. I never should have come here. I didn’t have any where else to go. Mother told me I’d be safe here. Mother said that this was a sanctuary. A safe place. But she's dead. I’ll ruin it. I ruin everything with my shameful urges—“ Hux was babbling from exhaustion.

“Oh for the love of— Move over.” Ben scooted Hux over on bed and pulled him down. “Just use me as a lumpy pillow or something. I gotta sleep, it’s April. And that means, spring calving season and there’s going to be so many baby cows out there. And it’s exhausting. And my Dad is so annoying with cow jokes. You cannot imagine how many cow jokes he has. Seriously, it’s insane. But not as insane as I am without sleep—“ Hux’s breathing slowed and Ben knew he was talking to himself. He stared up at the ceiling with Hux’s long limbs draped over his body. Hux pulled Ben close and Ben tried not to think about what was grinding up against his leg.

“Well that’s great. I’m wide _fucking_ awake now.”

 

Hux handed Ben a cup of coffee as he sat on the edge of his bed, dark circles under his eyes. They were both still in their sleep pants. “I slept well last night. You were an adequate lumpy pillow.”

Ben grunted in response. He’d finally passed out after counting all the freckles on Hux’s nose. _Twenty three._

“We should probably push the beds together until my little night terrors resolve themselves.” It was a logical solution. Very logical. Completely practical.

“Or you could sleep in the barn.” Ben scratched at the side of his jaw. “Hay is a little itchy, but you’d get used to it.” Hux ducked his head in embarrassment and Ben sighed in resignation. “Fine. We’ll try that. You’re an octopus in the sack, you know that? Hands everywhere.”

“So I’ve been told.” Hux smirked as coffee shot out of Ben’s nose. _That was flirting._ Ben knew what flirting was. _What the hell Hux?_

“I’m going to dunk you in the horse trough for that.” Ben said with single minded determination. He set the coffee cup down and Hux took a cautious step back. Ben pounced and found himself in an armlock. “What the hell, Hux!”

“Close combat training. Every Tuesday and Thursday. Oh eight hundred hours.” Hux twisted and wrapped his legs around Ben, a complicated pretzel of limbs. “I was a very dedicated student. Very hands on.” Ben did his best to break free. “Oh come on Ben, I thought I was going in the horse trough.”

A small cough from the doorway behind them. Rey announced with half a biscuit in her mouth, “Dad says to stop playing grab ass and get upstairs.” Spring calves waited for no one.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Pining.   
> Animal in danger (it's all good, trust me)   
> Manure

Cows had given birth for millennia without human intervention, but when they needed help they _really_ needed it. Sometimes it was twins, sometimes something just got stuck. “Okay, reach in. Grab the back legs Hux! And pull!” Ben and Han did their best to hold the heifer’s head still. Hux took a deep breath and pulled with all his might. The calf slipped out and so did a stream of liquid manure. It painted Hux from his knees to his neck, a stripe of neon green.

“Oh shit.” Ben said eloquently and Hux shot him the dirtiest of looks.

“You’ve been baptized, my boy! You’re officially a rancher now. You can put that on your resume.” Han slapped Hux on the back, avoiding the baptismal fluid.

“Now you see why I volunteered to hold the _head._ ” Ben laughed. Hux nodded, smiled and held out his arms as he relentlessly advanced towards Ben.

“Free hugs Ben. Free hugs.” Hux let out a deranged laugh and chased Ben back to the truck as Han tended to the wobbly calf.

“If it makes you feel any better, I had afterbirth in my socks last year.” Ben said from his perch on top of the feed truck.

“I can’t help feeling like I’ve passed some sort of disgusting milestone. Cow midwife was not in my career plans.” Hux tried to flick some of the manure off upon the ground and only succeeded in smearing it. He threw up his hands in defeat. “I call dibs on the first shower.”

“Mom will make us strip off in the carport so look forward to that.” Ben smirked. “Extra brisk.”

“I’m going to use all the hot water. Mark my words.” 

“Hey Hux, how can you tell if a cow is evil?” Han called out as the calf started to suckle.

“I’m already covered in shit, why not make it worse?” Hux murmured and then called back, “I don’t know! How can you tell?”

“They say MOO HOO HAHA!” Han laughed at his own joke and Ben shrugged with one shoulder. “Oh that’s one of my favorites. Hey Hux, what do you call a cow in a earthquake? A milkshake! Oh that’s a classic. It’s so nice to have someone around who hasn’t heard all my best material.” Han whistled for the dogs and they ran back to him in a furry blur.

“I warned you about his idea of humor.” Ben peered off at the sky and pointed. “That’s not good.”

“Crows or buzzards?” Han instantly sobered and squinted at the birds. 

“Crows.” Ben vaulted off the truck bed and got in the cab. “You get in the truck bed or you ride on the running board because I’m not cleaning that shit off of the upholstery.”

“It’s naugahyde, not rich Corinthian leather, Ben.” Hux hopped up on the running board and held onto the door as Ben drove off towards the birds. “Why are we chasing crows?”

“It means we missed a calf. Buzzards only eat dead things. Crows will go after living ones. Hold on!”

Hux jumped down as they approached the abandoned calf. He flapped his arms at the crows as he ran. “Oh fuck off you fucking things!” His usual eloquence was suffering from fatigue and manure showers. He knelt in the mud. “Ben? How do I check a calf’s pulse?”

“You listen for breathing, feel for chest rises, cover the muzzle with your hand and feel.” The heifer calf was orange-red with a white blaze, a Hereford cross like most of Skywalker Ranch’s stock. Ben could tell that it was barely hanging on with exposure to the elements. Han’s battered third-best cowboy hat fell off of Hux’s head as he examined the cow. _They match,_ Ben thought absently.

“She’s alive! She’s alive Ben!” Hux grinned in triumph, “I shall name her—“

“Hux.” Ben held up his hand and looked into Hux’s eyes, “Don’t name her just yet.”

“Get her under the heat lamps.” Ben ordered with the brusqueness of a field medic. “Rub her down with these towels. Wet means cold. Cold is bad.” Hux followed orders like the soldier he was trained to be. “I’ll milk Daisy and make a bottle because Daisy’s going to have to get used to this little one’s smell. If she makes it, she’s going to need bottles three to four times a day.” Ben pulled up the milking stool and stroked her flank.

Hux unzipped his jacket and tossed it to the side. “Understood.” Ben watched out of the corner of his eye as Hux dried off the calf with grim determination as if spitting in the eye of Death itself. “I volunteer.”

Ben filled a bottle with fresh milk and snapped on the red rubber nipple.“I’ve got to get back to Dad. When she starts to move, give her the bottle. You might have to open her jaw, but the suck is instinctual.”

“How will I know if she’s—“ Hux asked, trying to rub life back into his foundling.

“You’ll know, Hux. You’ll know.” Ben squeezed Hux’s shoulder and Hux put a hand over Ben’s fingers. As he left the barn Ben called back to Hux, “It helps to talk to them. Then they know they’re not alone and someone is fighting for them. It’s better than prayer.”  _Prayers rarely got answered._

 

“So,” Han asked when Ben hopped out of the truck cab. “How do you feel about all this?”

His dad was being cryptic again. Being insufferable tended to rub off on people who spent a lot of time around Uncle Luke. Ben shrugged, “Oh the calf will be fine. I wouldn’t have left it alone with Hux if there was going to be a problem.”

“I’m not talking about the calf, Ben.” Han snorted out a laugh. “How do you feel about Hux?”

 _I wake up in the morning in his arms and it feels like home. I want him. I want him to be mine and I can’t have him._ _I think about him leaving and my chest tightens. He’ll never feel the same way about me and I have to learn to live with that. I’m not sure I’ll survive._ “Oh he’s alright. It’s nice to have an extra set of hands.”

Han tilted his head to the side and nodded slowly as he shook out his gloves. “ _Uh huh_. Well I suppose you’ll figure it out eventually. Let’s make another loop around, see if we have any late arrivals. Need to do a head count.”

“Hey Dad?” Ben leaned on the truck bed, nonchalant. “What do you use to count cattle? A COW-culator.”

Han threw some hay at him as he chuckled. “Good one. Good one. I’m gonna steal that.”

 

It was something that Ben was going to have to get used to, the idea of Hux leaving. No one stayed for long to help out on the ranch. It was a lifestyle for tumbleweeds, for men who drifted from one job to the next. Hux's injuries had healed. There was only a ghost of a pale scar upon his cheekbone, another that split his red eyebrow. Hux was brilliant. Hux had a future. It would be cruel to cage him, to make him stay. No matter what Ben wanted.

Ben rubbed at the cuff on his wrist. _They had promised him fulfillment. Love. Nirvana. Empty promises paid for in pain and blood. They’d caged him._   _And it nearly killed him._ He took a deep breath and drew the barn door open. _One day at a time._

Ben stopped in the threshold of the hayloft and stared at what lay before him. Hux and the calf curled around each other under the heat lamps, an empty milk bottle beside them. Nestled behind Hux’s neck was a calico barn cat, who slow-blinked at Ben’s intrusion into their contentment. There was hay in Hux’s hair, a fleck of green alfalfa in his eyelashes. Ben pressed his gloved hand against his mouth, afraid that his heart might escape from his chest. 

"I'm so  _fucked._ " 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the positive feedback! I really appreciate your comments.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: tragic backstories   
> Mentions of self-harm and abuse.

 

“Millie!” Hux wiped calf boogers from the side of his face as his foundling got too excited for the bottle. “Excuse you, young lady! Now eat your dinner. Good girl. Sweet girl. All done now.” It was almost time to ween Millie. She could drink straight from the source, but Hux enjoyed doting on his pet.

Ben stretched out in the hay, wriggling a leather thong at a barn cat. “You know she’s going to be hamburger, right?” 

Hux covered Millie’s ears with his hands and hissed at Ben, “How DARE you.” He scratched under her jaw and she gurgled contentedly. “Don’t you listen to a thing he says, baby. I won’t let you become dinner. No, no I won’t.”

The barn cat scrabbled about in the hay, caught the end of the string and Ben smiled at the tiny triumph. “That’s what happens to cattle, Hux.”

Hux held up a finger, “A correction, my dear Ben. That’s what happens to steers. My Millicent will bear a noble lineage of gorgeous Herefords. Look at those long legs, that regal bearing.” Millie belched and curled up next to Hux. “Anyway, I plan to buy her.” Ben snorted and Hux glared at him. “I have money, Ben. It will just take some doing to get ahold of it.”

Ben flicked some hay at Hux. “You know, I know nothing about you. I mean, I know that you snore and you talk in your sleep. I know that you’ve written your name on the outside of your underwear. But I don’t know anything about you before all this. You won’t talk about yourself.”

“Ridiculous.” Hux busied his hands, brushing Millie’s coarse coat to a sheen. “You just never asked.”

Ben licked his lips. “Can I ask now?”

“I suppose my lumpy pillow would eventually have questions,” Hux paused and nodded. “You may ask three questions. Do your worst.”

“How old are you? Where are you from? When is your birthday?”

“Why did you ask those mundane questions?” Hux picked up Millie’s hoof and inspected it for gravel. “I thought you’d want to know my tragic, sad backstory. I’m twenty one. I’ve lived in New York, London and San Fransisco, most recently. My birthday is February 14th.”

Ben sat up, wrapped his arms around his legs and regarded Hux with calm introspection. “So that means I can buy you beer and that I don’t have to worry about your birthday present until next year. Also, you never get both Valentine’s Day presents and a birthday gift on the same day. See, these are quality questions.”

“Yes, yes. You’re a regular private detective. When is your birthday?”

“Oh the worst day ever for a kid. December 25th. I know about the present thing from years of experience. No double dipping on presents.” Ben laughed at himself and then stopped. A horrible thought occurred to him, but the dates just made sense. Hux’s birthday and then his arrival on the ranch. “Hux, you don’t have to answer this, but what happened on your birthday?” Hux’s fingers tightened around the brush until his knuckles went white.

“Figured it out did you?” Hux set the brush down and stared at his knees. “For my twenty-first birthday, I got a beating from my father, the Commandant of the First Order Academy for Exceptional Young Men. I still can’t hear as well as I used to out of this ear, you know.” Hux wriggled a finger in his left ear. “If I stayed after I sobered up, I’d have killed him. So I called information to get your mother’s phone number. Then I bought a train ticket and traveled to the place my long dead mother talked about so fondly. Now you’re stuck with me because I literally have no place else to go.” Hux mashed his face in his hand. “Look at you, getting my tragic backstory after all.”

Ben rubbed his left forearm as he processed that information. Ben gritted out, “Well, if I ever meet your father I’ll be sure to introduce his balls to the business end of my cattle prod.” That made Hux smile for a moment, a quirk of his chapped pink lips.

“So, do I get to ask some questions now?” Hux leaned back into the hay, a practiced nonchalance that made the hair stand up on Ben’s arms. He nodded and held his breath, knowing that Hux’s questions could be his undoing. “What’s under the cuff?”

Ben swallowed hard, shrugged out of his jacket and held out his arm. “Go ahead. Take a look.” Hux rolled up Ben’s shirt sleeve, his deft fingers left a trail of heat upon Ben’s skin. He snapped open one fastener and looked up, catching Ben’s eyes to ask permission to continue. “Go on.” Ben murmured and Hux unsnapped the rest of the fasteners. The cuff fell slowly open, blooming leather petals to reveal illegible black ink and scars. “It used to say ‘Kylo’ until I clawed it off with my fingernails. That was the name they gave me when I was indoctrinated into the Cult of Ren.”

Hux’s mouth fell open in sympathetic horror. “I— I’ve heard of them.” He ran a fingertip along a scar ribbon. “The murders and the fire.” It had been national news when the compound went up in flames. _No one knows my darkest secret. No one alive._

“Yeah. I was just a kid. Seventeen, lonely and easy pickings for them. I was lucky at the end. Mom and Dad found me in the ashes. Brought me back. So I really don’t have anywhere else to go either. Not unless I want reporters to crawl up my ass asking me about being the last survivor of a doomsday cult. At least out here, I have some privacy because of the isolation. Mom and Dad didn’t really tell anyone about my indiscretions.” Ben smiled at Hux, tried to reassure him. “So now you know my tragic backstory. Time for your next two questions.”

Hux covered Ben’s scars with his hand and said with a fierce intensity that sparked up Ben’s spine, “I’m glad they burned.” The warmth of Hux’s fingers upon the evidence of his shame made Ben’s eyes water. He stifled the impulse to kiss Hux’s chapped lips, to savor the sweetness and survivor’s strength. Hux carefully snapped the cuff closed, then reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind Ben’s ear. “And I’m saving my questions for later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH THESE BOYS. Thank you for the comments!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of period typical homophobia

 

 _Flour_. There was flour on Hux’s nose, a dusting of white. Flour upon his forearms, the sleeves rolled up to his biceps. Biceps that bulged as he rolled out the pie crust, biceps hardened from months of labor. Aprons were not supposed to be _sexy,_ but _Hux_ in an apron… He reached overhead to get a pie tin from the top shelf for Leia, his shirt riding up to expose a sliver of white flank. Ben’s mouth watered at the sight. _Screw the pie_ , Ben knew what he wanted for dessert. Something ginger, sweet, creamy, _forbidden_ —

“Ben. I think I should buy what’s on page 34 there. Matches my eyes.” Han said as he tapped the page.

Ben didn’t even look down at the catalog in his hands. “Oh, yeah. It would look great on you.”

“It’s a tractor transmission, dummy.” Rey rolled her eyes at her brother.

“I know nothing about fashion.” Ben said, still watching Hux and Leia work in the kitchen. Hux was absorbed in the precise placement of lattice strips upon the pie.

“Well done.” Leia complimented Hux. “Cooking is intuition. Baking is chemistry. You’ve got a real knack for this. I might just steal you from the hay crew.” Hux smiled, glowing from the sincere compliment. 

“I can drive the rake.” Rey volunteered. “It’s just straight lines.”

“You fall asleep. And then there’s these,” Ben waved his hand in swoops and made a face. “It’s super annoying to bale. You’re on kitchen crew. You’ll have Finn this year too. That will make it better, right?”

“It’s always better when you have a friend to suffer with you.” Hux quipped as he washed his hands. “That’s why Ben is going to do the dishes.” Wet patches on the back side of his jeans. Ben glanced away before anyone caught him, a child filching sweets.

“I approve of this delegation of labor.” Leia set the timer on the pie. “Remember, the pie is for the Grange potluck. No sampling. You’ll have to get in line like everyone else.”

Han made a face and then whispered to Rey, “Since kids get in line first, grab your old man a slice.” Rey held out her hand and they shook on it. Leia raised an eyebrow at Han and he shrugged with a crooked grin. “Delegation of labor, sweetheart.”

The phone rang and Rey hopped up. “I’ll get it!” She cradled the receiver in the crook of her neck, “Hello? Skywalker Ranch. Oh, okay—“ She handed the phone to Hux. “It’s for you.”

Hux held the phone to his ear. “Hello?” The blood drained from his face. “I— I understand. Yes sir. Thank you sir. No sir. Good bye.” He put the phone receiver in the cradle and untied the apron around his waist. “Thank you. You’ve all been so kind to me. But I have to go back now.” Hux walked out of the kitchen and shut the front door behind him. Ben got up to follow and Han put a hand on his arm.

“Maybe you should let him have some alone time.” Han offered and Ben shrugged his father’s hand off.

“He’s always been alone, Dad.” Ben clenched his fists. “I’m not going to let that happen again.”

“Rey. Go to your room.” Leia ordered and Rey scowled, but scurried off when she saw the look on her mother’s face. “Ben.”

“What? What happened to _keeping_ him?” Ben stared out the kitchen window, Hux was walking across the ranch. Hux stopped and screamed out a bellow of rage towards the Rim, then resumed walking. “I gotta go to him. You don’t understand—”

“Ben. We know you’ve been sleeping together for months. You don’t even bother to move the beds apart.” Leave it to his mother to know everything and _nothing_ at the same time. “But you can’t—“

“Mom.” Ben ran his hands through his hair, with every moment Hux was getting farther away. “We sleep. We don’t _fuck_. And since he’s been here, I haven’t dreamed about fire and ashes. I haven’t woken up from screaming myself hoarse. And if he won’t stay here? I’ll go with him.” The confession made tears well up in his mother’s eyes and Han took her hand.

“Well,” Leia took a deep breath. “At least you know what you want. That’s all we could hope for. Better go make sure he doesn’t drown himself in the creek. You’re both so dramatic.”

“It runs in the family.” Han murmured as Ben ran from the kitchen.

 

For a horrible moment, Ben thought he might have lost Hux. That he could had just walked from Ben’s life like a phantom into the fog that rose from the north pasture. He found Hux in the big barn, hiding behind Daisy’s paddock. Hux held one of the barn cats in his lap, stroking its soft fur while Millie lipped at his hair from her pen. “It’s not time for dinner yet, you greedy thing. You’re going to weigh a ton if you keep eating like that.”

“More like three quarters of a ton,” Ben said from the doorway. “Hey Hux. It’s in your hair again.”

“I’m not in the mood for puns.” The cat leapt from his lap and Hux pulled his knees to his chest in misery. There was still flour on his nose. “He wants me to come back to San Fransisco. His worthless deviant of a son.”

Ben held out his hand. “Well, instead of talking about that here, take my hand. I’ve got just the place for some soul searching. I’m taking you to the _Bathhouse._ ”

Hux’s face crinkled in confusion, an eyebrow raised. “You’re taking me _where_?”

“I just told you. Now get in the truck. Come on, come on. We’re burning daylight here. Hustle!” Ben reached down and hauled Hux to his feet.

“I just didn’t think you had those out here—“ Hux stammered, his face curiously red.

Ben grinned. “Well of course we do. Where else are you going to relax and have some fun? Now we have to get there before all the kids show up because they’re really noisy and that just spoils the mood, okay? You’re really going to love this place.”

Hux shook his head in bewilderment, “Okay? Sure? I guess?”

 

Ben drove up to the gates of Winter Lake Hot Springs and turned off the mournful country music pouring from the truck’s radio. The owner walked out in his plaid bathrobe, a cigarette dangled from his lips. “Hey Ben.”

“Hey Mr. Carson. Two for the bathhouse, need suits and towels. Oh and is number seven open for tonight? I don’t feel like driving back.” Ben handed over a wad of cash to Mr. Carson who dug a set of keys from the pocket of his bathrobe.

“You know the rules. No glass bottles, suits gotta be worn in the water. Towels and suits in the locker, have fun.” Mr. Carson squinted into the car at Hux. “Who’s the new kid? You usually bring Rey.”

“This is Hux. He’s living at the ranch. Helping out.” Hux waved at Mr. Carson and smiled. That seemed to satisfy Mr. Carson and he flicked the ash off the end of his cigarette as he walked off. “You still have flour on your face, Hux.”

“Oh fuck off Ben.” Hux rubbed his face on his shirt sleeve. “You couldn’t have told me earlier?” Ben grinned in reply.

Ben parked in front of the large grey wood barn in the center of the property. Galvanized metal siding covered the outer walls and the roof. Steam rose from the vents at the apex of the roof.

“This whole area is lousy with volcanic activity. That’s how we got the Rim. People try to dig wells and get geysers. It’s too hot and wet to grow anything, so Mr. Carson decided to make some money from the hot water springs. Tourists drop in for the health benefits and the locals just like a place to swim that isn’t the river. Come on, grab a suit. This side is for the guys.” They walked into the building’s dressing area and Hux made a noise of sudden understanding.

“Ah.” Hux pointed at the concrete swimming pool filled with steamy murky green water. “This answers so many questions.”

Ben had already shucked his clothes and pulled on his suit. It was cold in the dressing room. “Like what kind of questions?” 

Hux demurred, casting his eyes away from Ben’s body. “I’ll tell you after we get in.”

They eased into the heat of the mineral waters, the pungent stench of sulfur and salt permeated the air. Hux demonstrated a few fancy swimming strokes and then gave up, finally relaxing into the heat and steam. 

“I timed it just right. It’s hardly ever quiet like this in here. It can get really rowdy depending on how much people have been drinking.” Ben aimed a lazy shot at the bottomless twenty gallon bucket nailed to the wall. “And nothing but net. The crowd goes wild.” Ben shook his wet hair out of his face. “It tastes terrible though.” 

“Well since we’re alone and I’m utterly boneless from these magical waters, we might as well talk.” Hux was draped over an inner tube, his red hair dark with water, red heat splotches upon his cheeks. There was water in his long eyelashes, tiny diamonds.

“Start with why you were so confused about this place.” Ben aimed for another basket.

“Because in San Fransisco, a bathhouse is where gay men go for anonymous sex.” Ben missed his basket. Hux laughed. “And for the life of me, I could not understand why you would want to go to such a place.”

Ben shrugged. “It seems convenient. If you’re into anonymous. I like to know who I’m making out with.” He stared right at Hux’s pink lips, so temptingly close and tender. “I could kiss the right person for hours.”

Hux gulped back a swallow and stared up at the rafters. “Ben. That was my father on the phone. He wants me to come back. I may be a ‘disgusting deviant with abhorrent lusts’ but for some reason his school won’t run right without me.”

Ben put his arms over the edge Hux’s inner tube, preventing him from drifting away. “You’re not going back.”

“I have to.” Hux squeezed his eyes closed.

“No. You don’t.”

Hux leaned his head back and gritted out, “Ben. You don’t understand.”

“You can stay here.” _You belong here. With me._

“Quit being stubborn and listen to me.” Hux’s eyes glittered with tears. “Fuck! This is going to— Ben, why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

That was not the question Ben was expecting. “Probably because I’m weird looking and smell like cows a lot.”

“No. No! God, how can I say this without you hating me?” Hux balled his hands up. “You’re the reason I have to leave.” The words struck Ben in the gut like a sucker punch. Like a saddle horn under the ribcage. The impact of the ground after being tossed from a bucking bull. “You’re sweet and kind and handsome. And built like a Greek god. And god damn it Ben—” Hux covered his face with his hands, “One day you’re going to find the girl of your dreams and my heart will break. Because I can’t bear to watch you be happy with her.”

 _Wait- wait- what?_ “Hux—“

Hux tipped out of the inner tube and stood before Ben, water dripping from his hair in rivulets down his chest. “Let me explain in excruciating detail because I’ve probably already messed up the best thing I’ve ever had by confessing my weakness. I’m a homosexual, Ben. My father caught me with another man and beat us nearly to death. I am a gay man and you’re not. So I have to leave because I have feelings for you and you can’t reciprocate—“ Hux— _Hux_ _had feelings for him_? “I think I love you Ben. And why aren’t you saying anything? Say something, please!”

 _It was everything he’d ever wanted. But—_ Ben opened his mouth and blurted out his darkest secret. “I set fire to the compound. I murdered all those people.”

Hux blinked in disbelief. “You what? I don’t understand.”

“I’d been locked in a cage for a week for disobeying the Master. And I managed to break free. They were all drugged out of their minds and— I threw a lamp into a pile of newspapers. I was so angry, Hux. Hungry and scared. It was so dark and I thought I’d died and I was in Hell.” Ben rubbed his forearm, then rasped his fingernails against the scars. “I don’t remember much after that. But I know what I did.” Ben exhaled, a deep shuddering breath. “I’ve never told anyone else, Hux.”

Hux’s took Ben’s scarred wrist in his hands. “They deserved to burn.” His fingertips were wrinkled and swollen from the water. “Why did you tell me?” He traced the scars with a tenderness that made Ben’s heart lurch.

“Because I love you and you deserve to know all of me. Everything that makes me,” A rueful smile, “ _Me_.”

Hux pulled Ben into his arms, a hunger in his eyes that thrilled up Ben’s spine and pooled in his groin. “Remember how Leia keeps trying to grow roses?”

Ben nodded, a bit unable to think about his mother when Hux was holding him so tightly.

“Well, something beautiful did bloom in the alkali desert after all.” Neither of them minded the taste of the mineral waters upon each other’s lips, the sweetness of their kiss overwhelming all their senses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the sweetest thing I've ever written. 
> 
> You know what? IM NOT DONE. I didn't sign up to write TEEN AND UP FIC


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: kissing, frottage and fumbling, first time

“Oh my god,” Hux murmured against Ben’s lips. “We could have been doing this _ages_ ago.” Hux kissed like a starving man, devouring Ben’s lips with his own, nipping with neat, sharp teeth. Ben’s vision was fogged over with lust and mineral water steam, he opened his own lips for plundering. “I— I’m going to make you feel so— good.” Hux panted as they groped under the water. "I'm going to teach you-- show you-- how good it feels--"

Slamming car doors and the screaming of small children in the gravel parking lot outside slightly cooled their ardor.Ben took Hux’s hand, led him out of the water and into the shower area. “Gotta rinse off, gets itchy.” Ben reached out for a pump of the cheap shower soap mounted on the wall and Hux pushed his hand away.

“Let me.” Hux lathered up his hands, traced the contours of Ben’s chest with reverent, worshiping fingers. “You’re a work of art.” Ben swallowed back a gasp as Hux’s hand trailed down the plane of his abdomen, his arousal tenting the sopping wet rental shorts. He was already so close. Hux’s touch ghosted against him and his hips thrust up, searching for the relief those beautiful fingers promised. Family chatter grew louder and the bathhouse door slammed. They weren’t alone anymore.

“Hux.” Ben pleaded as he pulled Hux’s hands up away from his groin, “Forgive me.” He turned the shower from hot to cold. Hux yelped and grinned, vulpine with hunger.

“Oh you— you’re going to pay for that. That’s a promise, Ben Solo.” Hux wrenched the water temperature back to a tolerable level. They scrubbed off as quickly as they could, grabbed their clothes and ran off towards the rental trailer, wrapped in towels.

As soon as the door slammed behind them, Hux leapt upon Ben. “Now before we were so rudely interrupted,” Hux stuck his hand down Ben’s wet nylon shorts. Ben groaned as Hux stroked his length with deft, knowing touches. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve wanted to do this? It was torture laying next to you knowing I couldn’t. I got off so many times in the shower thinking about you.”

“I wanted you to.” Ben whimpered at the thought of Hux touching himself. Ben cupped his hands and squeezed Hux’s ass. “Want you so much.” He did his best to pull the clammy, cold nylon shorts down Hux’s hips. “Let me see you.” A flush rose from Hux’s chest to his cheeks as he basked in Ben’s lustful admiration. “Hux. You’re _perfect._ ”

Hux pushed his wet hair off his face, tiny white scars reminding Ben of the day they met. He sat down on the edge of the bed. Ben got tangled in his wet trunks in his haste and hopped towards the bed on one foot. Hux leaned back, a feast of pale skin and freckles, angles and curves that Ben ached to feel in his hands. “Perfect, huh?” He didn’t seem convinced.

“Yeah,” Ben breathed as he slowly loomed over Hux, bracketing him with his arms. Ben leaned down, his lips a heartbeat from Hux’s. Pale golden red lashes. Eyes like summer-sun dappled creek water. Exactly thirty-three freckles dusted upon the bridge of his nose. “Perfect.” Hux looked away and then back as if unable to understand how someone could see him that way. _I will spend the rest of my life convincing you._

Hux ran his hands along Ben’s flanks and then pulled Ben down into his arms with a huff of impatience. “Kiss me. Don’t stop kissing me. Never stop— ” Ben obliged eagerly, feeling their damp skin pull and tug as they rutted against each other. It was too sweet, too intoxicating— the taste of Hux’s mouth, the grip of Hux’s work-hardened fingers upon his skin— Warmth bloomed upon his belly and Hux shuddered in his arms, spent and languid.

“Oh damn.” Hux panted into the crook of Ben’s neck, his hair fell down into his soft eyes. “Wow. That was— Jesus. Wow. Sorry, I usually—” Ben pressed his fingertips against Hux’s lips, stifling the reflexive apology as he rocked his hips into the wet mess that streaked their abdominals. Another kiss and Ben tumbled over the precipice, holding Hux tightly against him.

“I was planning on being your teacher, you know?” Hux murmured, tracing the edge of Ben’s pebbled nipple as he wiped them both down with a towel. “I was going to show you everything I’d learned. And you undid me with _kisses._ ”

Ben grinned up at Hux, “I have no idea what I’m doing. I just know that I will never get tired of kissing you.” Hux averted his gaze for a moment, then put his head on Ben’s chest, curling into his side as easily as a barn cat. “Seriously, I have no idea what I’m doing.” Ben pulled the blanket up over them. “I’ve never been with a man before.” _I don’t want to be with anyone else._

“Well what would you do if I were a woman?” Hux asked, cuddly with satisfaction, warmth and curiosity. 

“Take you to the drive in movie and finger you in the back seat. Hook your leg over my shoulder and eat you out until you screamed my name.” Ben dragged his fingertip down the bridge of Hux’s nose. “Something like that.”

“It’s a date.” Hux kissed Ben’s fingertips, then closed his eyes. “Ben? Can I tell you something?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re the  _perfect one._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience. I had a minor health issue but now I'm back in the saddle!


End file.
